Martha Stewart's Etiquette
Tips for Rednecks
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BASIC TIPS
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard
before shooting at them.
3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler
to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is
time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are
included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive
a U-Haul to the funeral home.
DINING OUT
1. When decanting wine, make sure that you
tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise"
the fruit of the vine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle,
always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1. A centerpiece for the table should
never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the
table...no matter how good his manners are.
PERSONAL HYGIENE
1. While ears need to be cleaned
regularly, this is a job that should be done in private
using one's OWN truck keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall
bathing for several days. However, if you live alone,
deodorant is a waste of good money.
3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails
is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's
jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.
DATING (Outside the Family)
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook,
especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're
interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I
read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time
she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; Others might
say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's
responsibility to get her to school on time.
WEDDINGS
1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice
for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5
seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A
leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can
create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to
socks and shoes for this special occasion - especially if
it’s your own.
